


When You Left

by UNCONQU3R3D



Series: Fate Duology [3]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Baekhyun's POV, Depression, M/M, Nightmares, Suicidal Thoughts, Tears, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-21
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2019-05-09 14:49:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14718167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UNCONQU3R3D/pseuds/UNCONQU3R3D
Summary: Baekhyun's suffering from depression and loneliness in the wake of that fateful night he spent with a strange, beautiful man called Do Kyungsoo.





	When You Left

**Author's Note:**

> This work is a part of "Fate Duology" series and can't be read as a stand alone.

 

 

He'd developed a habit of checking papers and news and tabloids. Excessively checking, pouring over details that weren't even related to his quest. Chanyeol, who was a happy sap most of the time and completely unperceptive, had also caught up to him.

 

"Why does your browsing history say _suicide,_ and in variations of the same word so much. You even have the notifications on these tags." Chanyeol had borrowed his computer in a hurry to send a sappy selca to his boyfriend who lived a few hours away because his mobile data was finished already. Boyfriend number infinite, actually. Baekhyun hadn't thought about his history or notifications when he handed over his notebook. "Does this have something to do with why you skipped the first day of your internship?"

 

Skipping the first day had been unplanned. But back then every single breath had felt painful, and every corner reminded him of-- He didn't think about _him,_ or his name. Even though it was right there on the tip of his tongue. One of the side effects of finding out the name of that man was that now he could whisper it whenever he wanted. Which was pretty much every time he was alone, or on the internet, or working, or when he was going to sleep. Sometimes, he screamed that name right after his nightmares dragged him to wakefulness.

 

He hadn't told Chanyeol about the reason why he skipped the first day of internship. He didn't know if he had dreamed the whole thing. _Or if he is even alive._ He couldn't tell Chanyeol that the reason his browser history featured that one word so heavily was because he was keeping tabs, making sure that a stranger was out there, still keeping his promise to live. Because some days the knowledge that Do Kyungsoo was still alive, still surviving, was enough for Baekhyun to believe in life too. 

 

According to Chanyeol's current boyfriend, who was a medical intern, Baekhyun was suffering from overwork and depression. He didn't believe Chanyeol's boyfriend, because he wasn't overworked. Or depressed. He was just really good at being able to put on a mask every day and get through it. 

 

The morning after, he hadn't been able to stop crying. He wasn't a man who was easily moved to tears, in fact, after all the shit thrown in his way, he was proud of his tough skin the most. But losing that man, knowing that he was gone (possibly _dead)_ was something that shattered his resolve. He remembered reading the letter again and again, and crying because: _Why won't it stop hurting so much?_ He remembered grabbing the t-shirt that still smelt like Do Kyungsoo and falling asleep with it clutched to his chest. He also remembered waking up with a fever, but somehow he apologized for his mistake and then joined Chanyeol as an intern one day later. 

 

That was six months ago.

 

For six months he'd been keeping tabs on the news, watching closely. There had been thirty seven suicides in that time, a few in Korea, mostly international. He didn't know if he was a filthy bastard to actually feel _relieved_ every time he confirmed that it wasn't Do Kyungsoo. He knew he should be sympathetic, sorry towards the people who were gone, but he was getting very self absorbed these days. Nothing existed anymore, not his drive to get a future, neither his dream of getting rich beyond imagination. His only goal now seemed to be finding out that a particular man was doing okay. 

 

Of course, he didn't completely become useless. He still excelled at the internship and there were rumors about how he was the desired candidate for many company jobs already. Chanyeol as well, but Baekhyun barely registered these pieces of news anymore.

 

* 

 

"Can't you just go on a date? I hate it when you stay at home and do nothing on weekends!" Chanyeol stated one day, a month after they started the new job.

 

"I don't stay alone! I go to the cafe..."

 

"And listen to bogus, washed out jokes, yeah, you mentioned. But dude, you've been becoming emo-ish every day and I'm worried. I think you really do have depression and..."

 

"Don't worry, I won't do anything bad." _Because I still have to meet him. Just once._

 

"That doesn't sound reassuring at all. Or is there another reason?" Chanyeol peered at him curiously, and Baekhyun became aware of his face becoming red. Chanyeol's eyes widened. "Oh my gosh. You already have someone in your heart! Baekhyun, are you crushing on someone? Is it someone I know?"

 

He denied it. _Heavily._ Because he wasn't crushing. He was pining, _longing_ for someone who he might never see again. He was having constant nightmares about how he was just a few seconds late, how he couldn't catch Do Kyungsoo in time and had to watch him _fall, fall, fall..._ He couldn't say that he slept fitfully and only after crying himself to exhaustion.

 

He didn't know if it was a crush. Did normal people feel this too when they had a crush? Wasn't it supposed to be the other way around? Butterflies and giggles and wet dreams. 

 

He didn't know what he felt or wanted. But he had this unquenchable thirst to meet that man again, to confirm with his eyes that he was okay. After that, he could go back to his normal life again. He'd saved that man and a heavy responsibility lied on his shoulders now to confirm that he was completely safe and happy. Once he had the satisfaction of knowing that he had done his duty well enough, he would be free of this crushing weight on his soul.

 

"Fine," he said, trying to erase Chanyeol's doubts. "I'll go out and date."

 

*

 

He was stupid enough to fall for Chanyeol's suggestion of a blind date. But he knew that he couldn't stay alone, even if he was trying to do his best. 

 

The first date was with Chanyeol's ex-boyfriend's step sister. Funny enough, he remembered exactly who she was, but not her name. He stumbled several times during the movie and called her by the wrong name. She didn't mind, much. After the dinner and casual conversation, he drove her home. They kissed. And that's when he became aware of one simple, cruel fact.

 

He couldn't kiss anyone anymore. Because even as he felt the softness of her lips against his own, his head flooded with the memories of that night, of those heart-shaped lips which stole his breath. Once they stopped kissing and Baekhyun realized that it had been just memories and not _real,_ he busrt into actual, embarrassing tears in front of the girl. She panicked, probably thinking she'd done something wrong. He tried to tell her it wasn't her fault, but he couldn't find his voice as he wailed and wailed. His screams dissolving into the only name that he remembered besides his own.

 

*

 

The next date was a man. 

 

He hadn't told Chanyeol about the breakdown. But Chanyeol seemed to have reached the (wrong) conclusion that he probably wanted to date a man for the time being.

 

Baekhyun didn't remember his name either. But he had a nice accent and eyes. The night was fine, until the man decided to kiss him. And once again, Baekhyun couldn't take it.

 

This time Chanyeol got there while he was still having the meltdown, and this time there was no way to get himself out of it. He was forced to see a doctor, and forced to get counseling. He went along with it only because he didn't want to give his only friend (who was really like a brother) an aneurysm.

 

He started his medication and tried to break his obsession with the news in order to fully commit himself to his future plans. Except for the hidden plan for future, namely, to meet the guy who was virtually impossible to find through the latest technology.

 

*

 

It was the day that he'd been waiting for. Successful internship to a stable job, and two promotions later, he was here. The new CEO of the bank. It was his party, his people who have learned to trust him wholeheartedly. There was so much noise that he couldn't even hear his own thoughts. 

 

But he felt aloof and empty inside. _What is the point of any of this anymore?_ He had a nice, luxury apartment now where he lived alone. He also drove one of the most expensive cars of the newest model to cover twelve blocks of distance from office to home every day. He didn't have to buy faded clothes from second hand stalls anymore, and could buy anything he wanted with just a swish of his black card. 

 

But he never could have guessed how useless it all felt. A nice home, empty. A nice car, also empty. A bank account worth millions, but _nothing_ at all to use it for.

 

He started making anonymous donations, something to do with the money that was rotting in his account because each day he was getting newer money and was running out of space. He also tried to get away from the huge salary, wrote apologetic and earnest applications that he preferred to be paid the same as his colleagues. Even then he had so much. So much of everything and nobody he could give it to.

 

If he tried to buy the stars, he could do so now. Legally and financially. _But what for?_

 

His medication had helped him recover somewhat. He still had those nightmares, but they didn't render him entirely paralyzed with pain anymore. He could get himself back to reality. Every time he woke up to Do Kyungsoo's body plastered on the ground, he was able to shake it off because that's wasn't the reality. _I saved him. I wasn't late. He is safe._

 

But how he wished he could find just a single clue about his success. If not for his longing heart, at least for the state of his mind. Knowing that he truly was safe, and happy somewhere might put an end to his nightmares, and these days, he couldn't ask for anything more.

 

_I need to see you, Do Kyungsoo. Now, before I lose my mind._

 

*

 

He was at the bar, some place new because Chanyeol's boyfriend, he couldn't remember which one exactly, was a dancer there. He had tagged along because Chanyeol sounded so pathetically hopeful that he might find someone for himself too.

 

So far, Baekhyun had only nursed his drinks quietly and observed the people coming over at the bar.

 

He was there, sitting lonely when a handsome man claimed the stool next to him. Baekhyun wasn't looking for anything or anyone but that didn't mean he was oblivious to the man's slightly dark skin and deep brown eyes. His height and built added to his attractiveness.

 

The bartender seemed to know him because he said, "Kim Jongin, my friend, what brings you here so early in the evening?"

 

It wasn't early. In fact it must be after ten in night. But something else was bugging Baekhyun now, something about that name, _Kim Jongin._

 

"I need one," the man grumbled, looking like he was going to hurl. "Better now than..." He trailed off.

 

Somehow, the bartender seemed familiar with his troubles as he poured him the strongest stuff he had on hand. "I take that he is still working his ass off?"

 

Baekhyun only half listened to the conversation, still trying to place where he'd heard this name before. He was sure he had, because of how unfamiliar it sounded even as it tingled some old wires in brain, a mental tug he knew _couldn't_ ignore.

 

"Yeah, and I'm losing my nerve."

 

"He does realize that it's impossible, whatever it is he's trying to achieve?"

 

"So I tell him. Every day. But he hasn't been the same, you know, after..." He trailed off again, but the bartender nodded firmly like he understood what he was saying. "He has this new mindset these days. That nothing is impossible anymore, not if he worked his ass off. He has lost two workers, and three kids have been pulled out. He received the notice of eviction today, but he just dumped it aside like something miraculous would happen and save him _again."_

 

The bar keep shook his head, smiling with a single dimple. "Everything seems like a miracle since that day. Have you looked into bank loans or something? I know there are some banks who show sympathetic attitude if the cause is worth investing. You have to admit, a school for special children is as worthy as it gets."

 

Jongin muttered, "I'll look into some banks then."

 

Speaking of banks, Baekhyun realized that he could help them out. Play the saviour again. But something about the special school, and this man's name, forced him to make himself known.

 

"Excuse me? I couldn't help but overhear, you mentioned that you are looking for a loan?" His remark was met with dubious stares, but after a moment, Kim Jongin nodded.

 

 "I can give you this card," Baekhyun said, handing over his business card with some trepidation. "I happen to know this bank personally and they also give out loans according to the needs and demands. Even if your friend doesn't have an account there, he could still get some financial aid. Of course, he has to get a pretty decent incentive prepared, and it also helps when people actually persuade the management about how important their work could be long term."

 

Kim Jongin took the card. "BBH? Is this the CEO's name?"

 

Baekhyun blinked, and decided it was better to keep it to himself that he actually was the new CEO. "It's his initials. I don't know the exact name since I never had a chance to meet him  one on one."

 

Kim Jongin read the card carefully and pocketed it. "Thanks man, I appreciate it."

 

Baekhyun shrugged. He went back to his drink and after a couple of more exchanges, Kim Jongin bid farewell to his bartender friend and left.

 

He must have noticed Baekhyun's curious stare, because the bartender slid in front of him. Baekhyun read his name tag, Zhang Yixing. "Hey, thanks for giving him the card. I'm sure it's going to help a lot."

 

Baekhyun shrugged again. "Seems like he was really worried about his friend. It's something I can relate to."

 

That made Yixing sigh, suddenly sad. "His friend had a difficult time a few years back. He almost committed suicide, but was luckily saved by a passerby. Ever since, all he ever does is worry."

 

Baekhyun went very, very still. Because he had suddenly remembered where he'd heard Kim Jongin's name before. He hadn't _heard_ it. In fact, he had _read_ it. Or more importantly, he'd found the name in the contact list of Do Kyungsoo's phone, and sent him a message to collect his suicidal friend before it was too late.

 

Baekhyun ran.

 

He ran harder and faster than he ever had in his life. He knew Chanyeol had seen him, and was screaming for him to wait but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore.

 

He was outside, looking around. He ran through the lines of parked cars, to the end of the block and around the corner. But he couldn't find the tall figure of Kim Jongin. He even looked through the windows of the cars parked nearby, hoping that he would find him somewhere. 

 

There's was nothing. Kim Jongin was gone, and with him was gone Baekhyun's only link to the man he had been wanting to meet for what felt like ages.

 

He stumbled back inside the bar, almost colliding with Chanyeol on his way. He went to the bartender, Yixing, again. He knew that he looked and sounded hysterical as he said, demanded, "Give me his number. The man who was talking to you, I need to speak to him immediately!"

 

Yixing took a step back. "Look, I only serve him drinks. I don't know his number, and even if I did, I wouldn't hand it out to anyone else. That's against the policy here."

 

Chanyeol came up behind them and tried to dissolve the situation. "Hi, sorry. My friend and I were just leaving." He clamped a hand on Baekhyun's arm, dragging him.

 

"No, wait! Then tell me what that school is called. Where is it? Please! I need to find him I need..." _I need to see him. I **need** him. Please..._

 

Chanyeol was far too strong for him. They were almost at the door when Yixing called someone, probably the security. But he didn't get a chance to find out as Chanyeol manhandled him into his car and got into the driver's seat. He looked furious, which was uncharacteristic for him.

 

It took Baekhyun a moment to realize that he was sobbing uncontrollably. _What's new?_ He always cried when it came to Do Kyungsoo. His entire life was like that now, a man who was impossible to find, but had enough power over him to make him lose his damn mind.

 

"Baek, I'm going to ask this just once," Chanyeol said, his voice was deadly and ferocious. "Who is Do Kyungsoo and why is he the reason that you completely go insane every fucking time?!"

 

Baekhyun flinched at the loud tone. But he was more shocked to hear that Chanyeol was aware of the man he could only dream of. "How did you...?"

 

"How did I know?" Chanyeol snorted, looking incredulous. _"Seriously,_ can't you hear yourself? You're mumbling his name even now as you cry. You sigh his name whenever you think I can't hear you. And you were screaming for him, begging him to return to you when I found you with your date that one time."

 

Baekhyun sniffed. And then told his best friend the bitter truth. "Who is Do Kyungsoo? He is the reason why I'm even bothering to continue existing anymore. And if I can't find him, Chanyeol... I don't know what I'll..."

 

He couldn't finish his sentence. He didn't have to. He saw the understanding flash clearly in Chanyeol's eyes. He saw how his friend's heart nearly broke.

 

But being Chanyeol, being amazing as always, he said, grabbing Baekhyun's hand. "Then I guess we find him. Soon."

 

There was no doubt in his voice, just plain conviction. Like he already knew what to do, where to look. Like Do Kyungsoo was already as good as found.

 

He couldn't help but smile, wiping away his tears. "Yeah, soon."

 

_Before I run out of the last shred of patience._


End file.
